


Pushover

by Commander



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Coping, Divorce, Family, Father-Daughter Relationship, Gen, Mild Language, Miscarriage, Pets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-26
Updated: 2011-06-26
Packaged: 2017-10-20 18:21:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/215756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Commander/pseuds/Commander
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Six-year-old Vanessa Doofenshmirtz wants a pet. And by "pet" I mean "Perry the Platypus". This could complicate matters. One-shot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pushover

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, I wrote another one. ^^; Actually, I've started work on a much longer _Phineas and Ferb_ fic that'll be Doofenshmirtz/Perry amongst a lot of other things, will most likely be totally AU once that movie airs in a few months, will be long-ass and it'll take me forever to write, and in short I'll be lucky if I get even three readers for it… but I'm writing it anyway.
> 
> This (along with the other two P&F fics I've already written) fits into the timeline of my planned longer fic. Hence the references to Perry originally being a human being, amongst other things. However, I think it also stands well enough on its own as a cute little one-shot. (Or should I say a looooong one-shot. Yeah, I know. I write too damn much.)
> 
> Hope you like. :)

_Charlene_

Well, at least _one_ positive thing had come out of all this: her six-year-old daughter wasn't fighting bedtime anymore.

"Vanessa, honey? It's time for—"

Charlene poked her head into Vanessa's room and stopped herself short. Vanessa had beaten her to the punch. While the lights were still on, she already in her pajamas and lying on her side under the covers, her eyes open and looking blankly at her mother.

"…bed. Well, I see you've beaten me to it." Charlene smiled at Vanessa. Vanessa gave no response of any kind. "Did you brush your teeth?"

Silence. Of course. Vanessa had been angrily avoiding speaking to her for the past two weeks. Actually, this was a bit of an improvement. At least she wasn't glaring anymore. Not right now, anyway.

"Come on, honey, you need to keep your teeth sparkling and pretty."

Vanessa didn't exactly glare, but she did pout defiantly and turn to her other side, facing away from her mother.

Charlene sighed. _"Vanessa."_ It was a weak rebuke, with nothing backing it up, and she was sure Vanessa knew it.

Vanessa didn't stir.

Charlene sighed again. "Make sure you brush them extra long tomorrow morning then." She moved over to the other side of the bed to tuck Vanessa in, but stepped on a crumpled piece of paper just before reaching the bedside. Confused, she leaned down to pick it up, smoothed it out, and froze for a moment, instantly recognizing the torn-off half sheet of paper.

It hadn't been all that long ago, but it had seemed like a lifetime, when they had broken the happy news to Vanessa. "Vanessa, guess what?" Charlene had asked her, beaming.

Vanessa smiled eagerly and began, "Wh—"

" _You're going to have a little brother!"_ Heinz interrupted, grinning from ear to ear.

Vanessa had never been a girl of very extreme emotions, even at her young age, but she still let out a little squeal of joy. _"Really? Really? Where is he?"_

"In here," smiled Charlene, pointing at her belly. "And he'll be in here for the next six months or so."

"And by that time, your mother's going to be as big as a _house!"_ Heinz added, still grinning.

" _Heinz,"_ Charlene warned darkly.

"Uh… as big as a small one-bedroom apartment?"

Luckily, Vanessa had grown accustomed to her parents' tiffs and took no notice of this one, instead running up to them and throwing her arms around their legs in a hug. "I'm gonna have a little brother!" she exclaimed happily, before letting go of them to run about in excited circles, shouting "I'm gonna have a little brother!" about five more times, and then finally circling her way into her room.

And it hadn't been long at all before she had proudly emerged with a new drawing.

Four figures holding hands, the two in the middle tall, the one on the right short, and the one on the left somewhere in between. Not only had she drawn them, but she had also labeled them—their daughter was a smart cookie, she had known how to read before starting kindergarten last fall and could handle both reading and writing many larger words. And while the drawings were fairly recognizable on their own, the labels left absolutely no questions to their identities—from left to right, "ME—MOMMY—DADDY—LITTEL BROTHER".

Heinz got down on his knees so he could be at face-to-face level with Vanessa and examined the drawing. "Wow, what a fine-looking young fellow there! He's the most handsome thing I've ever seen! —Oh, and your little brother's not too bad looking, either!"

Vanessa laughed. _"Daddy!"_

Heinz pulled her close in an affectionate hug, Vanessa dropping the paper to the floor so she could hug him back. "On top of everything else, my little baby girl's an _artist!_ Sweetie, you're going to be the greatest artist-dancer-doctor-marine biologist-CEO-astronaut-president-evil scientist in the _world!"_

Charlene's eyes focused on the drawing, a strange, sudden, happy realization hitting her. Vanessa had just drawn the perfect, ideal, _whole_ family. A mother. A father. And two kids, one boy and one girl. And pretty soon, that was going to be _their_ family.

Yeah. _Was._

The crumpled up wad of paper that Charlene had just unwrapped now was sloppily torn on one side, the "DADDY" and "LITTEL BROTHER" half of Vanessa's drawing.

"Leave that there, Mom."

Charlene looked up in surprise. Those were the first words Vanessa had spoken since the last time Heinz had been there, when his stubborn anger at Charlene as he began packing his things wasn't quite enough to mask his heartbreak, and her impassively helping him fit them in the boxes and suitcases wasn't quiet enough to mask her remorse. They hadn't spoken much at first, but then the usual curt, biting comments began to flare up… only this time they were a thousand time shorter, and a thousand times more searing. And even that, and the knowledge that came with it that this was going to be for the best in the long run, just made the both of them all the more bitter, the jabs were getting more and more nasty, the sorrow getting more and more out of control so of course the anger had to intensify as well to mask it… and only then did both of them suddenly notice Vanessa, leaning in the doorway, staring at her parents mutely, coldly, accusingly.

Heinz and Charlene both glanced at each other guiltily for a second, the boiling argument between them instantly frozen cold. And then Heinz had sighed, turned back to Vanessa, and murmured, "…So I suppose you heard all that?"

Vanessa had answered by glaring, spinning around, and running straight to her room, and she hadn't spoken since.

Except for now. And her words came out with a stern glare at her mother, and Charlene noticed the other half of the picture was still clean and unwrinkled, except that she had crossed out the "-MY" of "MOMMY", leaving just "ME" and "MOM".

"So I'm Mom now?" Charlene finally asked gently.

"I'm starting _first grade_ on Tuesday," Vanessa reminded her. "I'm too old to call you Mommy."

Charlene shrugged acceptingly. "Alright, then. Mom it is." Maybe part of her was a little saddened that Vanessa was growing up so fast, and that she apparently felt a conscious _need_ to grow up fast, but at the moment she was just relieved to hear her talking to her again. And she was also relieved to note that Vanessa had apparently been taking in what she had been telling her these past few weeks, that she was aware of her quickly approaching first day of school.

"Why did you go to the hospital?" Vanessa blurted out.

Charlene sat on edge of Vanessa's bed and stroked back her shoulder-length hair. Yes, she _had_ been listening. This morning she had had yet another follow-up appointment with her gynecologist… a man who now had his arm in a cast and sling and a broken nose and was quite pleased that her husband—now _ex_ -husband—wasn't with her, but still seemed to want to make _her_ pay for the whole fiasco by prescribing her every post-miscarriage medication under the sun and keeping her for ridiculously long appointments—and of course charging her for every single second of them as well. "I had to see my doctor. He gave me some pills to make my body heal faster."

"Are you gonna die?" Vanessa's anger was completely gone, replaced by worry.

"Oh, honey." Charlene wrapped her arms around Vanessa tightly. "No, I'm not going to die."

"But my little brother did," Vanessa said, nearly inaudible.

Charlene closed her eyes, trying to blot out the pain from the loss of movement in her womb. "Yes, he did. But that doesn't mean I will. I'm going to be alright."

"But I wanted a little brother. I didn't want him to die! And I didn't want Daddy to go away!"

"None of us wanted him to die, sweetheart. And we're all feeling very sad right now, and we'll probably always feel sad when we think about him, and that's okay. And your daddy hasn't left you. Remember? On Friday, you'll be going to his house and staying there the entire weekend."

Vanessa looked at Charlene, confused and slightly appalled.

"I told you this this morning," said Charlene. "And yesterday, and the day before."

"Why can't he come here?" Vanessa demanded.

Charlene sighed softly and pulled the covers up to Vanessa's shoulders, laying her down on her pillow. "We're divorced now, sweetheart. It's not good for us to keep living together. But that doesn't mean either one of us is ever going to stop loving you. And your daddy's really looking forward to having you at his house."

"I wanted a brother," Vanessa muttered harshly. "I didn't want Dad to leave. We were going to be four, but now we're just _two."_

"I know, Vanessa, I know. It's tough for me too." Charlene kissed Vanessa on the forehead. "Now close your eyes. It's time to get some sleep."

"Can you make a new little brother?"

Her words pierced Charlene's heart like a poison dart, the clinical words of her gynecologist once again pounding against her brain. "No, honey. I can't."

Vanessa looked away, disappointed.

Charlene tucked one loose strand of hair behind Vanessa's ear. "I'm sorry, honey. I really wish I could."

Vanessa's eyes suddenly brightened with an idea.

"If I can't get a brother, then can I get a pet?"

Charlene blinked. "Well, I don't—"

"Please, Mom? I want a pet cat! I promise I'll take good care of it!"

Charlene considered this, but it only took her a moment to reach her answer. Perhaps a pet would be good for her, to ease some of the hurt from the divorce and from the loss of her brother.

"An _adult_ cat. We don't have the time for a kitten. We'll be getting an adult cat that's already been trained, do you understand?"

Vanessa nodded eagerly.

"Alright. If you're good tomorrow, we'll go down to the Humane Society and pick one out."

"Thank you, Mommy! —I mean, Mom," Vanessa hastily corrected herself. "Thank you, Mom!"

"You're welcome. Now good night. Try to get some sleep." Charlene kissed Vanessa one more time before getting up to switch off the lights.

…

 _Vanessa_

His name was Monty. He was black and white and had yellow-brown eyes. The lady at the Humane Society told Vanessa and her mom that his old owner just got married to a lady who was allergic to cats. Bummer for him. But awesome for Vanessa!

She liked him instantly. He was big but not too big. He had long silky hair. The Humane Society lady said that his old owner had named him "Monty" because he liked Monty Python. Vanessa wasn't sure who that was. Why would you name a cat after a snake? But she still liked the name anyway.

She and her mom bought all sorts of cool things for Monty. A bed and a rubber mouse and a scratching post and a litter box—pee- _yew!_ —and food and water dishes that were shiny and purple—Vanessa's favorite color.

Vanessa spent the entire next few days playing with Monty and getting to know him. He liked being scratched behind the ears. He liked to climb up on the windowsill and watch the trees rustle in the wind. He even liked the yucky carrots that Mom made for dinner, although when she saw Vanessa giving them to him she told her to stop feeding him from the table.

School started on Tuesday. Vanessa would have preferred to tell everyone that she got a little brother over the summer, but a cat was cool too. She didn't tell anyone about how her brother died, though. Or how her parents got divorced. She decided she'd rather talk about her cat. That was way better than a dead baby who never even lived long enough to be born, or how her dad wasn't even living at home anymore.

That sucked. That sucked big time. Vanessa usually didn't cry but she had cried when she heard them yelling at each other that one day. She hadn't even seen her dad since then. Not that she wanted to. Well, she did, but she didn't. She was still mad at him, and she was still mad at her mom, too. She hadn't known whether to be mad at her dad for leaving or at her mom for kicking her dad out, so she just decided to be mad at both of them.

She wasn't quite as mad at her mom now, though, after she got her Monty. She was still mad at her dad, but she also really missed him. She didn't like it when Monty would wander into the basement.

Her dad had always been weird. Most people didn't have dads like hers. Most people's dads didn't have secret evil underground lairs of diabolical villainy. She had realized last year in kindergarten when everyone had to say what their parents' jobs were. She wasn't exactly sure what her dad did in his secret evil underground lair of diabolical villainy, only that it was evil and scientific. She didn't really know what that meant, either. Anyway, all the kids, and the teacher, stared at her without saying a word for a hundred million minutes after she told them about her dad's lair. That's when she realized that most people's dads didn't do stuff like that.

But that was alright. She always loved going down into her dad's lair. He was always making something crazy, and sometimes he'd let her help hold something in place while he stuck it together, or bring him stuff he needed. He'd always call her his "little budding evil genius", whatever that meant. Vanessa figured there must be two different types of evil. The bad guys in all the movies she watched were evil, but they were also always nasty and mean, and her dad wasn't. So she figured there was a good kind of evil and a bad kind of evil, and her dad was the good kind. He'd always make these evil things called inators that usually just blew up, but Vanessa still liked helping him make them. It was always noisy and fun down there.

But now that her dad was gone, it was dark and lonely and quiet. And whenever Monty would wander down there, Vanessa would stand at the top of the basement staircase and yell at him to come back up, not wanting to go down there by herself. When she did, she felt sad, and angry, and a little scared, too. It was a big, dark basement, although she had never really noticed that before when she had been down there with her dad. She also just didn't like to think about him being gone, and the empty quiet basement made her have to think about it.

Her mom was also making her think about it, which made Vanessa suddenly mad at her again.

"What do you want to take with you to your dad's?" she asked. "You'll want to bring over a few toys. And what clothes do you want me to pack you? How about your blue and yellow sundress?"

"Nothing," Vanessa answered angrily. She picked up Monty and stroked his ears, turning her head away from her mom.

"Nothing?" her mom repeated. She laughed, as if she thought Vanessa was joking. "What, are you gonna run around all weekend naked?"

"I'm not going," said Vanessa. Apparently she needed to make herself clearer. "You don't have to pack me anything because I'm not going."

"Oh yes you are, Miss Smarty-Pants. Now what do you want me to pack?"

Vanessa glared. She wanted to yell at her mom some more that she was still mad at her dad and that's why she wasn't going, but she was also now mad at her mom and so she wasn't going to talk to her, either. So she just glared and turned around and walked away, still holding Monty.

"Okay, fine. I'll pack your things myself. Don't complain if you don't get something you want."

"I'm _not going!"_ Vanessa screeched as she continued to walk away and up to her room.

"You are too!"

" _I wanna pack Monty!"_

" _Monty has to stay here!"_

" _If Monty's not going, then neither am I!"_

" _Vanessa! Stop being so difficult!"_

" _NO!"_

By that time she was at her room. She tried to snuggle Monty to help make herself feel better, but Monty struggled out of her arms and ran out of the room.

The next day, Monty didn't come with her. After school her mom picked her up and didn't even take her home. She took her straight to her dad's new place. Vanessa sulked the whole way.

Her dad's new place was weird. It wasn't even a house. It was a big tall building that had lots of offices and other little rooms in it. And there were lots of posters and signs everywhere, most of them with the word "evil" on them. Vanessa could read that word really well. It was one of the first words her dad had ever taught her to read. It was everywhere, along with two other longer words. One of the longer words Vanessa also knew how to read, since it was her last name—Doofenshmirtz. But the last long word she didn't know. Ink… inca… incaporatated? Incapacitated? Inca-something.

They got in the elevator. Her mom sighed. Vanessa looked at her, surprised at the weird look on her face. Her mom looked back at her, smiling this strange, small little smile.

"I swear… I will _never_ understand your father."

Vanessa just crossed her arms and sulked some more. Maybe if she sulked enough, her mom would take her home.

"Come on, Vanessa. You need to put on a happy face for your dad."

Vanessa still didn't look at her mom. "I'm not happy. I wanna go home."

"But that's the cool thing about this, honey. You have _two_ homes. One with Mommy, and one with Daddy."

" _Mom_ and _Dad,"_ Vanessa muttered, not mentioning also that saying she had two homes was a really, really stupid thing to say. People only have one home. There wasn't such a thing as homes. Except when remembering the names of the Great Lakes. Vanessa rocked back on her heels, humming to herself, her mind repeating _Huron, Ontario, Michigan, Erie, Superior, Huron Ontario, Michigan, Erie, Superior, Huron…_ over and over and over again so she didn't have to think about anything else.

They finally got to the top level. The elevator doors opened. Vanessa's mom stepped out, looking around.

"This looks nothing like anyone's living quarters…" She sighed. "Your father always has to make things so _difficult,_ I really don't even…" Her voice got a little louder. "Heinz? We're here!"

A door opened quickly, and Vanessa's dad ran out and grabbed her in a big hug, as happy as she'd ever seen him. _"Vanessa!_ Oh, how I've missed my favorite girl!"

Vanessa didn't want to smile or hug him back, but she really _had_ missed her dad, even though she was still mad at him—

"I'm so happy to see you again! I've been preparing for your arrival all week! Your bedroom's just right down the hall on the left, and I got you a waterbed—"

"A _waterbed?"_ Vanessa suddenly wasn't mad at her dad anymore. A waterbed? That was so _cool!_ She squirmed out of his arms and ran to the door on the left, opening it and seeing a big bed with purple covers on it. She climbed on top of it and instantly felt herself sinking in—it _was_ a waterbed! This was the best bed _ever!_ Vanessa lightly jumped up and down on it, feeling the weird sinking sensation, grinning from ear to ear.

She suddenly noticed something else on the far wall of the room. There was a tiny little opening in the wall, with a sign above it. Vanessa carefully read it: _Vanessa's hideout!_ Wrinkling her nose in curiosity, she clamored off the bed and crawled through the small entrance.

She drew in her breath at what she saw. This was a whole other room, with levels of shelves protruding from the wall and stacked above the ground, leaving her just enough room to be tucked in cozily on the bottom. There wasn't anything actually in the room yet, but there was definitely room for books… a lot of books. Vanessa loved to read, and she instantly began to think about just how many books she could fit in this little room, this little room that was all her own, and she could curl up in the bottom corner with her books and read for hours and hours and hours.

Still curious, she scrambled up on the first shelf and precariously balanced herself on the ledge, grasping onto the next shelf and looking up to see just how many shelves there were. Besides the one she was standing on and the one she was holding on to, there were three more. Three plus one plus one was… was five! Five levels of books! How cool was this? She had the coolest room and coolest secret hideout in the entire world. And she had a waterbed. No, she definitely wasn't mad at her dad anymore.

"Vanessa!" she heard her mom call out.

Vanessa quickly jumped off the shelf, crawled out of the secret room, and ran back out to where her parents were still standing in the hallway. "Mom, Mom, Mom!" she cried breathlessly. "There's a waterbed and a secret hideout and there's five levels in it which means I can have five levels of books and books and _books!"_

"I thought you'd like that!" said her dad, smiling.

"Well, it certainly sounds like you'll have fun this weekend," said her mom. "I'd probably better get going. Can I get a hug?"

Vanessa hesitated, and she felt her smile going away.

With both her parents standing together like that, things had almost seemed normal, like they were before. But things weren't normal. Except this time, instead of her dad leaving her, it was her mom leaving her.

She felt herself glaring at her mom. When one stayed, the other one left. It wasn't fair. Now she was mad at her mom again.

"Well, I'm getting a hug anyway," said her mom, leaning down and hugging her. Vanessa didn't break away but didn't hug her back, either. "I can't go a whole weekend away from you without at least a hug."

"And how do you think _I've_ felt?" her dad muttered angrily.

"Don't start that up. She's all yours until Monday morning." Vanessa's mom held her for another second before letting her go. "I'll see you in a few days, honey. You and your dad have fun, okay?" She moved over to the elevator.

"Okay," Vanessa muttered, looking down at the ground. She heard the elevator doors open and close, and figured that by then her mom was gone.

"So, Vanessa!" Her dad got down on her knees to talk to her, and Vanessa looked up again. She always liked when he did that. It was nice to look him in the face when they talked. "How's the first grade? Are you at the top of your class like always?"

Vanessa rolled her eyes. "School just started, Dad. I don't know."

Her dad looked surprised. "Dad? Since when have I been 'Dad'?"

Vanessa sighed. Oh great, not her dad too. _"Dad._ I'm in first grade. I'm way too old to call you 'Daddy'."

"You're only six!" her dad protested.

"Yeah," said Vanessa, obviously. "Way too old."

"Well, I don't know if I like you being way too old…" He sighed too. "Well, I guess it was coming eventually. And heck, you can call me _dummkopf_ for all I care, I'm just glad you're here!"

Vanessa raised an eyebrow. "I'm calling you Dad. It's easier to say."

"Works for me!" Her dad held her hands excitedly. "So how's my evil lab? You've been taking care of it, haven't you?"

"I don't like going there by myself," Vanessa admitted. "But I do keep Monty out of it when he tries to go down there."

"Monty? Who's Monty?"

"My cat."

"You have a cat?"

"Yeah, Mom got him for me. He's a grown-up, though, not a kitten. And he's black and white and has big brown eyes. He likes to scratch, but not too hard. And he actually likes Mom's cooked carrots!"

"Okay, now _that_ is absolutely impossible to believe. No living thing could possibly like your mom's cooked carrots."

"Unless he's evil."

"Oh no, believe me, those carrots are _beyond_ evil." Her dad shuddered. "Your cat may be evil—and that would be really cool, by the way!—but even evil has standards."

The elevator suddenly dinged. Vanessa looked at it, surprised. Her dad looked surprised, too. "Now who do you suppose that is?"

The doors opened.

Standing in the elevator was a little animal about the same size as Monty, with green fur and big brown eyes and webbed feet and a small flat bill for a mouth and a big flat tail and he was wearing a big brown hat. Vanessa had never seen anything like it before in her life.

But apparently her dad had. _"Perry the Platypus?_ What are _you_ doing here?"

Perry the Platypus just folded his arms and glared at Vanessa's dad.

"Oh, come on! I'm not doing anything evil today! Well, I'm _talking_ about evil, but not _doing_ anything evil! You see, Vanessa, she—" Her dad suddenly stopped and grinned excitedly, as if he had just realized something. "Oh wait, actually, Perry the Platypus, I'm glad you're here, you can finally meet her!" He gently pushed Vanessa forward and closer to Perry the Platypus. "Perry the Platypus, this is my daughter, Vanessa. After all I've told you about her, you can finally meet her in person! And Vanessa, sweetie, this is my nemesis, Perry the Platypus."

Vanessa felt herself growing confused. She had never heard the word nemesis before and wasn't sure what it meant, but she had never seen anything like Perry the Platypus before either, so she was guessing that whatever he was, he was a nemesis.

Perry the Platypus looked a little confused too, but at least he wasn't glaring anymore.

"Go on, honey!" Vanessa's dad encouraged her, pushing her closer to Perry the Platypus. "Be polite and shake hands!"

Perry the Platypus offered her his hand, and Vanessa took it and shook it. Perry the Platypus gave Vanessa a small smile.

He was really, really furry, and soft and warm, too. Vanessa took her other hand and ran it down his back, digging her fingers through his fur. Perry the Platypus didn't seem to mind it. Although Monty usually liked to be pet, sometimes he'd try to get away from her when she wanted to pet him, but Perry the Platypus wasn't trying to get away at all.

"I want him," she suddenly announced.

"What?" asked her dad, surprised.

"I want him," Vanessa repeated. She continued to stroke Perry the Platypus's fur, and he still didn't move away from her, although he looked a little surprised too. He would be the best pet ever. Maybe even better than Monty. "I want a nemesis."

"You… you want a… _nemesis?"_

Vanessa was a little confused again. She had obviously said totally the right thing, since her dad was starting to cry a little bit but also had a huge smile on his face, and that usually happened when he was proud of her. She didn't realize asking for a pet nemesis would make her dad so happy. "Oh, sweetie!" He hugged her tightly, sniffling with happiness. "Six years old and already you dream of true villainy! I'm so _proud_ of you! One day, I promise. One day you'll find yourself a nemesis. But you're still a little young."

Vanessa was now totally confused. "But that's not fair! If I'm old enough for a pet cat, why aren't I old enough for a pet nemesis?"

Her dad let go of her. "Wait a minute, _pet?"_

"Yeah, he's soft and cuddly and I want him as a pet. Mom wouldn't let me take Monty here, so I want Perry the Platypus to be my pet here. I promise I'll take good care of him like I take good care of Monty! And he can sleep on my waterbed!"

"Oh… you just want him as a… _pet."_

Vanessa felt a funny, bad feeling in her stomach. Now she had apparently said the _wrong_ thing. Her dad looked disappointed. And she still didn't know why. "Please, Dad?" she tried again. "I'm old enough to take care of a pet. I promise I am."

Perry the Platypus still looked shocked, too.

Vanessa's dad took her hands in his and looked her in the eyes. "Vanessa, sweetie, I don't think you understand just what Perry the Platypus is. He's my nemesis, you see. Since I'm evil and he's moral and righteous, it's his duty to stop me. That's what an evil villain's nemesis does. So he can't be a pet. I mean, come on, that would be awkward…you know, we're enemies, if he was our pet as well I'd always be trying to sabotage his water dish and he'd tug at the leash when I took him on walks and drag me through landmines or whatever… it just wouldn't work."

Vanessa looked away.

"I can get you different pet, though! A dog, a cat, a Loch Ness Monster, anything else you want!"

"I don't want anything else," Vanessa muttered. "I want Perry the Platypus."

"He can't… _be_ a pet." Her dad's voice was getting a little shaky, and when she looked back at him, she could see he looked more sad and apologizing than firm. "A nemesis can't be a pet. It just doesn't work like that. I could get you another platypus, but not _this_ platypus."

Vanessa remembered the nice way Perry the Platypus had smiled at her. "I want _this_ platypus."

"I'm sorry, sweetie, but I can't…"

" _Please?"_ Vanessa jutted out her lower lip. She could tell she was losing this battle so she'd have to bring out the big guns. And then she remembered how sad her dad had been when she said she wasn't going to call him Daddy anymore. Well, maybe she could still call him that on special occasions. _"Please,_ Daddy?"

Her dad sighed, and Vanessa knew instantly that she had won, and she felt herself smiling. Her dad gave her a small, defeated smile too.

"Alright, darling," he said, gently touching her cheek. "Anything for you."

And then, suddenly, there was a furry flash of green darting away. Vanessa's dad lunged, but missed, and landed with a thud right on his face.

" _GET BACK HERE, PERRY THE PLATYPUS!"_

…

 _Perry_

This was _not_ a situation his training had ever covered.

Of course, to be fair, no one training him had likely never even considered the possibility of their elite force of secret agents ever being turned into animals in the first place—but even if they had, the preemptive training in that case probably would have been "how to survive in the wild" or "how to handle tools and weaponry without opposable thumbs", not "how to escape being captured as the villain's pet all because his young daughter gave him puppy-dog eyes".

But, if Perry was anything, it was _adaptable._

Still, though, he thought to himself as he darted to Doofenshmirtz's evil lair, there was being adaptable, and then there was _this._ He and Doofenshmirtz had been nemeses for only a little over a month now, and yet every single time Perry was dispatched to stop him, he never knew what to expect, and was always surprised. Which was doubly confusing when Perry had to admit that Doofenshmirtz was _such_ a classic villain, doing everything by the book… and yet still managing to be totally unpredictable every time anyway.

Even mission control never really knew what to make of him. "Agent P, thank goodness you're here," Major Monogram had said as soon as Perry made it to his monitor. "We have no idea what Doofenshmirtz is up to. He's bought wooden boards. Lots and lots of them. Either he's going into the see-saw business, or perhaps he's considering piracy and intends to have everybody walk the plank—either way, it can't be good. Go find out what he's up to with all those boards and put a stop to it. —Oh, and Agent P… I know you won't be _bored_ on this mission. Ha ha! Get it? Bored? Because Doof's stockpiling on _boards?"_

Right now, though, the boards were the last thing on Perry's mind.

He had run into the main evil lair because he knew that this was the room with numerous windows, handy for a quick escape. But, unfortunately, this was also the room with all of the various traps Doofenshmirtz had made for Perry…

…and he was right on the platypus's heels, and setting off all the traps nearly at once.

"Oh, stop running, Perry the Platypus!" SLAM! A cage fell from the sky, Perry only just barely dodging it. "Look, when I said I'd sabotage your water dish, I didn't mean poison or anything!" ZIP! A mechanical claw shot out from the wall, just missing Perry by half an inch as the platypus continued to dart about frantically. "I just meant I'd pour salt in it, or something non-lethal but still aggravating like that!" WHOOSH! The floor suddenly opened and a blast of air sent Perry spinning upwards, right to a huge piece of flypaper stuck to the ceiling. Perry frantically twisted his body mid-air and just avoided the flypaper, instead bouncing off the ceiling and painfully thudding back to the ground. "I know it'll be hard, being both my nemesis and my pet at the same time, but I'm flexible, we can work this out! I'll be both a good owner _and_ a good nemesis!" TWANG! A roll of gauze shot from something that looked like a tennis ball launcher machine right at Perry. Perry ducked and the gauze unrolled and fell to the floor harmlessly.

"Drat, I guess my 'Capture-Perry-the-Platypus-with-a-Roll-of-Surgical-Bandage-Inator' needs a little more work," Doofenshmirtz mused, looking at the machine and scratching his chin. "Well, I guess I'm going to have to be more old school!" He grabbed a large, round bowl and hurled it at Perry. "Let's capture you underneath _this_ instead!"

Perry was still too sore at the moment to run from it, but that didn't mean he couldn't defend himself. With one whack of his tail, he deflected the bowl away from him and against the wall. Luckily, he had hit it at enough of an angle that it didn't get sent right back to Doofenshmirtz… it instead hit and broke into dozens of pieces on the doorframe, just above where little Vanessa was peering in. She winced in surprise, but otherwise seemed unaffected as she looked at the broken pieces that fell at her feet.

Doofenshmirtz, however, completely changed. _"Perry the Platypus,"_ he growled dangerously, his eyes narrow and seething and his voice far slower, lower, and more frightening than Perry would have ever imagined possible, "you can foil all my evil plans, you can destroy my lair, you can completely humiliate me on a daily basis… but I swear, if you hurt my daughter, _I'll make you regret it. And don't think I'm joking!"_

Perry could tell he wasn't joking. And Perry was genuinely frightened for his life. He understood the rage, of course, being a father himself… and knew that even if he could protest and tell him that it had been an accident, he hadn't meant to aim it towards Vanessa, he hadn't even realized she was _there,_ his protest wouldn't matter. The point was, he had nearly hurt her, and her father sure as hell wasn't going to let him get away with it.

Vanessa continued to solemnly examine the broken bowl, completely unfazed at how close it had come to hitting her.

Doofenshmirtz took a deep breath. "Vanessa, sweetheart," he said, his voice shaky and not quite as intense, "why don't you go into your hideout in your room until I catch Perry the Platypus?"

"But—" Vanessa began.

" _NOW!"_ Doofenshmirtz ordered.

Vanessa looked utterly taken aback, apparently not used to her father being so disciplinarian with her. But she wasn't going to argue, either. She quickly took a timid step back, still staring at her father in shock, before abruptly turning around and running out of sight.

Doofenshmirtz groaned darkly. "Great, now look what you've made me do, Perry the Platypus. Now she's mad at me and I feel like a heel. When I make you our pet, I'm going to cram you in a tiny, ill-ventilated cage."

Perry groaned a little bit as he struggled to get back to his feet, letting out a low, clicking growl of apology.

"That's not going to cut it, Perry the Platypus!" Doofenshmirtz lunged for Perry again. Perry wasn't moving as fast as he normally could, still aching from his fall, but managed to scoot away from Doofenshmirtz just in time, causing him to fall flat on his face again.

" _Ugh!_ As if I haven't fallen on my face enough today—OUCH!"

 _That_ time, Perry had to admit, _had_ been intentional. With Doofenshmirtz down for the count, at least for a fraction of a moment, Perry had to take advantage of every second, and adding in even a few more seconds couldn't hurt. So, while he scrambled away from Doofenshmirtz and out of the doorway, he had made sure to have his tail whack him right in the eyes on his way past him.

Crude, but effective.

Knowing he had precious little time before Doofenshmirtz was back on his feet again, Perry raced down the hallway and into the room furthest down on the left, praying that there was an escape route there that a slightly injured platypus could make his leave of.

What he found, instead, was a perfect hiding place that Doofenshmirtz certainly wouldn't look through in his search to find him.

He seemed to have found Vanessa's room. And, more specifically, a tiny entrance in one of the walls labeled _"Vanessa's hideout!"_.

Perry quickly darted in.

The hideout, like everything else about Doofenshmirtz, had been far from what he had been expecting.

It was amazing. The perfect secret hiding place from the world that any child would dream of. Layers and layers of shelves, empty at the moment, but filled with possibilities of occupancy. It was bright, light coming in from unseen windows, the windows obscured by the shelves but the light from them far from it.

 _Well, now I know what the boards were for,_ Perry thought to himself.

Wouldn't this make an amazing report back at headquarters. "Yeah, all those boards Doofenshmirtz bought? He was just making this really awesome secret room for his daughter. No pirate ships, unfortunately."

Vanessa was sitting in one of the corners, holding her knees pulled up to her chest. "Hi, Perry the Platypus," she said in a small voice.

Perry scooted closer to her.

"Are you hiding from Daddy?" she asked him. "I, I mean, Dad."

Perry couldn't help but smirk at that. Vanessa thought she was too old to call her dad "Daddy"? Then again… his own Candace had taken to calling her mother "Mom", and she was a whole year _younger_ than Vanessa. Perhaps it was some sort of coping mechanism? Perry's smile disappeared as the usual ache in his heart from these past few months grew too strong to ignore, yet again. Usually Doofenshmirtz kept him busy enough that he was easily able to ignore it, but being with Vanessa, being reminded of what his nemesis had with his daughter that Perry had totally lost with his…

Vanessa pulled Perry close to her and began stroking his fur again. "Shh," she whispered, although she didn't need to. Even if Perry could have spoken, he knew that now was not the time for excess noise.

They could both hear Doofenshmirtz complaining to himself, clearly now back on his feet and resuming his pursuit of Perry. "Oh yeah, that was _really_ low, slapping me in the face when I was down… Where are you, Perry the Platypus? You can run, but you can't hide! Come on, I promise being our pet won't be that bad. We'll feed you and take good care of you, and I'll only take petty jabs at you _some_ of the time. I swear!… — _OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, PERRY THE PLATYPUS, WHERE DID YOU_ _ **GO?"**_

Vanessa's fingers dug into Perry's fur a little deeper, her stroking ceasing. And Perry sighed, knowing what he had to do.

Hiding from Doofenshmirtz wasn't going to end this. Escaping from Doofenshmirtz wasn't going to end this, either.

He was going to have to confront him head-on. He was going to have to make this a true victory, like he always did, and the self-proclaimed villain would recognize and accept his defeat. It was the only way out of this.

He pulled away from Vanessa, and comfortingly touched her shoulder.

"You're going back out there?" She sounded surprised.

Perry nodded.

"Oh." Her eyes fluttered to the floor, somehow seeming to already know what the outcome would be. And then, in a tiny, murmured voice, almost inaudible…

"Don't hurt my daddy, okay?"

Perry felt all his sense of resolve and duty to upholding justice and righteousness completely crumble. This, he mused to himself, was why villains in movies and comic books never had six-year-old daughters. All it took was one small plea from her to completely halt the hero in his tracks.

He touched her shoulder again, she looked back up at him, and Perry nodded gently, a small, comforting smile slowly growing on his bill. _Okay. I promise. I won't hurt him._

Vanessa seemed to understand him just as well as her father did. She too gave a small smile, one of relief.

Perry tipped his hat to her courteously, still smiling, before exiting her hideout and slowly and carefully inching his way into the hallway, back towards Doofenshmirtz's evil lair.

The only problem left now was figuring out how to defeat him without harming him.

…

 _Heinz_

Well, wasn't _this_ just a perfect way to spend his day? And of course, by "perfect" he meant "completely and utterly _aggravating"_!

He hadn't even been planning on doing _anything_ evil that day! Well, okay, so that morning he had eaten a really bad waffle for breakfast so instead of choking the rest of it down, he dumped it from the twenty-eighth story window and watched it cream someone right in the noggin. _Score!_ So, yes, that had been a little bit evil. But that was going to be _it_ for the day! As much as he enjoyed being evil, he knew that on those now limited occasions when he got to have Vanessa, evil was just going to have to take a backseat.

So why, why, _why_ did Perry the Platypus have to show up and throw a monkey wrench in his carefully executed lack-of-plans?

Funny how, earlier today, Heinz had thought he had covered _everything. Nothing_ could go wrong today! And his spirits were brightened a thousand times more when he finally got to see his sweet little Vanessa again. And oh boy, did he have awesome things to show her, and awesome plans for their time together! But he was only able to get the detail about the waterbed out before Vanessa excitedly ran off to see it for herself.

Well. Hey, she was excited, and happy, so yes, even though it sent her instantly shooting out of his arms and away from him, the waterbed was a success!

Charlene hadn't looked too thrilled about it, though. "A _waterbed,_ Heinz?" she asked darkly as soon as Vanessa had scampered off to her new room. _"Really?"_

Heinz threw up his arms defensively. _"What?_ When I was buying my own bedroom furniture I got one for myself, so come on, I had to get one for Vanessa, too! Wouldn't have seemed very fair if _I_ had a cool bed but _she_ didn't!"

"You'll spoil her rotten," Charlene sighed.

"That's the plan," Heinz agreed. "And nyah nyah, now that we're divorced you can't do anything to stop me! When she's here, I'll spoil her as much as I want and there's nothing you can do about it!"

"Look," Charlene warned, "I'm just trying to make things as normal as possible for her. After you left, she hadn't spoken at all until just a few days ago. The one thing I don't want is to make her feel like this is a war and she has to _choose_ between us. So fine, spoil her rotten if you like, just whatever you do, don't make this just about me versus you, alright?"

"Oh, come on, Charlene, I wouldn't do that!" Heinz protested. "You're her mother! I wouldn't purposely turn her against you! That's just _too_ evil, even for me! If she ever _does_ turn against you it will be entirely by her own volition!"

"I know you, Heinz… way better than I did when we got married," she added darkly. "You're going to try to one-up me. Just _don't do it,_ okay? For Vanessa's sake?"

"As long as you don't try to one-up me," Heinz said crossly, folding his arms.

"I guess that's as much assurance as I'm going to get." Charlene motioned to the suitcase she had set down against the wall. "Here's her things. She wouldn't tell me what she wanted me to pack, so there's a few extra outfits in there so she can pick out what she wants to wear. You might as well keep them here. There's a few of her toys in there too that it might be easier to just keep over here though. Zally, however… goes wherever Vanessa goes."

"Well, of course." Zally was Vanessa's favorite doll. She had to have her tucked right next to her before going to sleep.

"That's about it, I guess," Charlene said. "She's already opening up to you way more than she has been to me, so… just don't think you have to _compete_ with me, and I'm sure she'll be fine."

Heinz had wanted to say that he had absolutely no _need_ to compete with her, because if there _was_ a competition, he was already winning it. Who's the one who got Vanessa a waterbed, after all?

But after Charlene had left, Vanessa dropped a bomb on Heinz—her mom had gotten her a _cat._

A _cat!_ So what, did Charlene actually think that Vanessa would accept a flea-bitten furball as a replacement for _her own father?_ Was Vanessa so enamored at this show of affection from her mother, a _pet,_ an actual _living creature,_ that who the hell cared about some stupid _waterbed,_ a waterbed wasn't an _animal!_

Well. Two could play at _that_ game. He had already been planning to take Vanessa shopping with him tomorrow to get things for her hideout (-inator; yes, he built the room and that made it an inator), and while they were out, he'd get her the most _awesome pet in the universe._ Any animal she wanted! _Anything!_

— _Except for Perry the Platypus!_

Really, of _all_ the possible pets in the world, she had to choose _HIM?_

Of course, Heinz thought to himself, now back in his lab and quickly scrounging up parts, wondering how long it would take him to create a Perry-the-Platypus-Locator-Inator, he _could_ have stood his ground. He _could_ have said no, Perry the Platypus will _not_ be our pet, and that would have been the end of that.

…oh, who was he fooling? No, he couldn't say that. Especially not when Vanessa gave him _those_ eyes and called him "Daddy". What a pushover he was. Whatever his little girl wanted, by God he was going to get it for her. Even if it was his sworn enemy.

 _Oh really Heinz, you think it's bad now,_ he chided himself, _just think what it's going to be like in ten years or so. You'll WISH that she only asks for pets. No, by then she'll be wanting cars and jewelry and expensive clothing and all she'll have to do is say "Please, Daddy?" and you'll bend over backwards for her. The writing's on the wall. She's going to be the death of you._

Despite everything, Heinz couldn't stop himself from smiling.

 _But that's alright. She's worth it._

"You can't hide forever, Perry the Platypus!" he called out, loudly enough so that Perry the Platypus could hear him, wherever that accursed semi-aquatic mammal was hiding. "I don't know exactly how long it will take me to build my 'Perry-the-Platypus-Locator-Inator', but given my previous track record, I'm guessing it'll only be about thirteen minutes. And you could save both of us those thirteen minutes by just giving in now! Really now, don't take it personally. I'm not too enamored of the thought of keeping you here forever myself. But, well, what Vanessa wants, Vanessa gets—"

A familiar low, clicking purr interrupted him. Heinz spun back around to the doorway.

"Ah, Perry the Platypus," he said, satisfied.

Perry the Platypus was standing in an odd posture, his legs wide apart, his arms crossed over his chest (or whatever "chest" the platypus could be said to have), and a strange small, challenging smile on his bill. Perry the Platypus very rarely smiled. At least not that Heinz had ever seen.

It was a posture that clearly said, _"Yes, I may not be running anymore, but I'm definitely not giving myself up. In fact, YOU might as well give up. Or do you want to chance it? Come at me, I dare you."_

"Getting cocky, aren't you, Perry the Platypus?" Heinz growled. "You do realize that you're standing underneath five different traps, and within firing distance of twelve more? Now I just need to remember which one of them is the most painful and uncomfortable… —Nothing personal, Perry the Platypus," he hastily added. "It's just that you are being very uncooperative and you made me fall on my face twice and you nearly hurt my daughter—oh wait, yeah, it _is_ personal now!" Maybe, he thought to himself, he could figure out how to trap him in all of them at once. _That_ would be satisfying.

Perry the Platypus continued to be completely uncooperative. He suddenly dashed into the room, away from the virtual bull's-eye he had been standing underneath.

" _Oh no you don't!"_ Heinz fruitlessly triggered off all the traps anyway, even though he knew it was already too late for them to be of any use. "You're not getting away that—"

Perry the Platypus grabbed the roll of gauze that had been shot out of the "Capture-Perry-the-Platypus-with-a-Roll-of-Surgical-Bandage-Inator" by the middle and held out the portion between his hands forcefully, as if it were a weapon rather than a shield.

"Oh, _now_ you want to fight? Well, bring it on!" Heinz laughed threateningly and reached into his pocket. "You'll find that your roll of gauze is no match for my…" He blinked. "My driver's license, piece of string that tied up the package that was delivered here yesterday, and thirty-seven cents? …Man, I need to be better prepared than this…"

Perry the Platypus pulled back on the gauze, making it snap menacingly.

Heinz blinked, as usual a pun coming to him at both the best and worst possible time simultaneously. "Uh, would it be too obvious if I yelled 'oh my gauze' right now?"

Perry the Platypus didn't answer.

In an instant, he was shooting around Heinz in a blur. Man, was this guy a _fury!_ In less than two seconds Heinz had gone from being completely unbound yet suddenly overcome with that usual dread a villain feels when he realizes he's about to lose, to being completely and tightly wound in the entire length of the gauze and feeling the customary begrudging acceptance of defeat.

But Perry the Platypus wasn't done yet.

He reached into his fedora, pulled out a small, rough, black square of something, peeled off the sticker on the smooth side of it, carefully and skillfully as he was also still clutching the exposed end of the length of bandage (Heinz had to admit, Perry the Platypus was very skilled and dexterous with his hands… especially considering he was, well, a platypus), and pressed it against the uppermost layer of bandage on Heinz's side. He then put another black square on the exposed end in his hand, and then connected the two squares together.

"Velcro?" Heinz shouted, only then realizing what he was doing. _"Really?"_

Only then did Perry the Platypus let go of Heinz, dusting off his hands in satisfaction. Heinz struggled to move, but… "Ugh! Oh man, I gotta hand it to you, Perry the Platypus, you did a really good job of immobilizing me, but don't think I'm down for the count just yet!" He continued to struggle against his bonds, making absolutely zero progress.

His eyes bulging with sudden worry, Perry the Platypus held out his hands urgently, commanding Heinz to stop moving. Heinz did, giving him a confused glare. "Okay, now what?"

Perry the Platypus held up a finger to tell him to wait, then scurried off to the other side of the room.

Heinz couldn't even turn to see where he had gone, much less what he was doing, although he somehow knew he was still in the room and hadn't tried to escape, at least. "Stop messing with me, Perry the Platypus! Can you give me at least a little hint as to what you're—"

Perry the Platypus zipped back, holding all the pillows and blankets from the couches and recliners in the room. He hastily arranged them on the floor, right at Heinz's side.

"Uhh…" Yes, articulate it wasn't, but Heinz didn't have a clue as to what Perry the Platypus was up to now, and, well, he couldn't _always_ have a witty comeback.

Once the pillows and blankets had been arranged to Perry the Platypus's satisfaction, he moved over to Heinz's other side, and, gently yet firmly, pushed him over, right into the soft landing he had just created. How weird, Heinz reflected to himself. It was almost as though Perry the Platypus wanted to thwart him like usual, but yet was going out of his way to avoid _hurting_ him in the process.

Of course, hurt or not, this simply left him in a position where he could move and squirm even _less_ than before.

"Alright, Perry the Platypus, what was all that about?" he demanded angrily, now on his side and pretty much unable to move, a pillow very comfortably cradling his head. "You thought it would be fun to trap _me_ for a change? Wanted to see how the other side lives, is that it? —Wait, where are you going?"

For Perry the Platypus was walking away, satisfied, as if it was a job well done.

" _Come back here!"_ Heinz shrieked angrily, trying to flail but instead only squirming and rumpling his hair against the pillow, sending it askew over his eyes. _"Come back here and get what's coming to you!"_

Perry the Platypus stopped, looked at Heinz for a moment, then suddenly stepped back up, leaned down right in front of Heinz's face—

—and carefully and thoughtfully brushed his hair away from his eyes.

Heinz blinked at him.

Perry the Platypus gave him a small, guarded smile, threw him a salute, and then turned and calmly exited the room.

"…that's it?" Heinz finally said in disbelief, staring at the doorway. "That's all you're gonna do? Just leave me wrapped up like this? That's _it?"_

He heard the elevator doors open, then close, and then heard the cab move down the floors. Apparently, yes, that _was_ it.

He sighed, irritated. "Curse you, Perry the Platypus."

Well. This was great. Not only had Perry the Platypus managed to thwart him, _again_ (even on a day without an evil plan at all), he had done so in a way that Heinz couldn't even move. Well… okay, so he could wiggle a little bit. Like a worm. Maybe, if he wiggled enough, he could just… Flexing his hip muscles, he slowly and awkwardly managed to push himself up to a sitting position. A half-sitting position, more on the side of his buttocks, but at least he was now (somewhat) upright.

It was at that moment that Vanessa reappeared in the doorframe. And she looked completely baffled at the sight before her.

"Uuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… Dad?"

Yes, she drew out the "uh" to gargantuan proportions.

Heinz sighed. Talk about embarrassing. At least she hadn't walked in on him completely prostrate. "I'll explain later, okay? Can you do me a favor and pull off this end of the bandage, right here—" He tried to motion with his head, although probably the only effect it had was that it looked like he was having a seizure. "You see it, right? It's just Velcro, it should come apart if you just yank at it hard enough."

Vanessa took a few timid steps up to him, and felt around on his torso for the edge of the gauze.

"Oh, there it is, sweetie, right there. Now just pull it apart."

Vanessa did so. Now freed of the binding holding his cocoon together, Heinz was able to flex out his arms and have the entire length of gauze fall off of him and to the floor.

So. He was free. And unharmed, surprisingly. However, he had also totally failed. Not that that was anything unusual… but up until now, he had only been failing _himself._ But this time, he had failed _Vanessa…_ and _that_ more than anything else was quite the bitter pill to swallow.

Vanessa was looking around the room. "Where's Perry the Platypus?" she asked.

Heinz swallowed guiltily. "He went home, I suppose. He thwarted me, chalked up another victory, and took off. But don't you worry, next time I'll be ready for him, and—"

"He went home? He has a home?"

Heinz shrugged, confused as to why she was asking. "I assume he does, yes. He never sticks around very long after he's foiled me. He lives _somewhere_ away from here."

Vanessa looked towards the large panel windows. "Oh…"

"I'll come up with my most sinister evil scheme _yet_ for tomorrow," Heinz thought out loud. "Regardless of what it is or if it works or not, it'll bring Perry the Platypus back here. Then I can actually capture him for good, he'll be your pet, and with him otherwise occupied I can _then_ take over the entire—"

"I don't want Perry the Platypus as a pet anymore," Vanessa interrupted.

Heinz blinked. "What did you say?" Wow, and just as he was actually starting to see the _advantages_ to this… "Why don't you want him anymore?"

"I didn't realize he already had a home. I don't want to take him away from his home. That would be mean."

Heinz felt a very strange, confusing emotion bubble up in his chest. What Vanessa had just said was one of the kindest, most selfless, and least evil things she could have said right at that moment… and yet, perversely, he felt his heart swelling, as if he couldn't be more proud of her.

Bizarre.

"Are you sure?" he asked her gently. "I know he totally kicked my butt this time, but next time I think I can get him for you. He could just stay here while you're here, and then I'd let him go back to his other home the rest of the time, if you'd rather."

Vanessa sighed, shaking her head. "No. You can't have two homes. Mom said that I would, but I don't think I can." She looked down at the ground. "This doesn't feel like home to me."

Heinz looked around at the lair-slash-living room, at the paint job he himself had orchestrated, at all the parts for future inators strewn about his workbench, at the three couches and four recliners gathered around his TV…

"It doesn't feel like home to me, either," he admitted softly.

Vanessa continued to sadly examine the ground.

Suddenly, Heinz was glad that he hadn't moved from his sitting position on the floor.

He wrapped his arms around Vanessa and tenderly pulled her towards him, Vanessa plopping down on his lap. "But I will say that it feels a lot _more_ like home now that you're here!" He brushed her hair aside and kissed her on the cheek. "I've missed you so much!"

Vanessa didn't hug him back, but she did lean her head against his shoulder, fully accepting the hug. And then she said, in a low, quiet voice, "I've missed you too."

Heinz closed his eyes, a smile now stretching across his face, his heart feeling like it might burst from happiness. _That_ one little sentence had just made the entire rest of the day utterly worth it. Tenfold.

"Your mother might have to pry you away from me with a crowbar come Monday," he laughed softly. "I'm sorry I couldn't get you Perry the Platypus. And that he totally made me look like a complete loser in front of you. I can make it up to you tomorrow, though. Guess what I have planned for us to do?"

Vanessa looked up at him. "Something evil?"

"That's a very good guess, but no, actually, I'm going to take a break from evil tomorrow. We're going to go shopping and buy you things for your hideout! -Inator," he quickly added.

Vanessa grinned, unable to contain her excitement. "Like books? Lots and lots and lots of _books!"_

Heinz laughed, squeezing her affectionately once more. What a smart budding little evil genius he had! "Yes, darling, lots and lots and lots and _lots_ of books! All the books you want! And anything else you want for your room! My name's still on your mom's credit card until the end of the month, so we'd better advantage of it while we can!"

"I'm gonna get books on cats. And platypuses. And nemesises."

"Nemeses," Heinz corrected. "And that sounds like an _excellent_ start to an evil library! We'll fill your shelves to the brim with all the books a young evil genius could ever want!"

"But what am I gonna do today? There's no books in my hideout yet."

"Well, I _was_ working on this inator… it's not really all that evil, it's just something that'll pop every single kernel in bag of microwave popcorn, you know, so it won't have any of those wasted leftover unpopped ones when you open the bag… and anyway, I could use a little help with it…"

"Will it blow up?" Vanessa asked.

Heinz shrugged. "Probably. That's the way things seem to go for me."

Vanessa grinned. "Awesome! Let's go!" She squirmed off of his lap and ran to the workbench.

Heinz smiled warmly as he pushed himself up to his feet to join her.

Yep, it was _definitely_ feeling more and more like home.


End file.
